Nobody Told Us 40 Would Be Like This
People often think that single women in their forties are desperately looking for a partner to feel complete.
Well, I respectfully disagree.
At 40, many single women handle as much as their married friends. We pursue promotions, take care of our homes, spend time with aging parents, and raise pets. Yet, people assume we have free time simply because we are unmarried. Sometimes, your mother casually asks if you can join her for a weekend because you’re not doing anything, not realizing that you also have errands, dates, friends to catch up with, and a job that expects you on Monday.
Being single at 40 can feel confusing. You’re old enough to be called Maasi, but young enough for it to sting. You’re seen as “too choosy” by aunties who think a single man at 40 is fine, while a single woman at 40 must have some sort of story. The real challenge is that you’re 40, look 32, feel 18, and your knees remind you that you’re 80.
Amid all this, there’s an expectation to date. The uncomfortable truth is that deep down, you want to.
Dating Apps Are An Obstacle Course
Dating apps, of course, don’t help at all.
By 40, most women know what they want. We don’t expect perfection, but we do want someone emotionally mature, reasonably attractive, and capable of engaging in conversation without making us doubt humanity’s future.
Instead, dating apps mostly show two types: the eager twenty-something looking for a sugar mommy with lines like “WYD?” or “Are you hot IRL?” or the forty-five-year-old who has aged poorly and shows up with a Shaadi.com proposal, exuding confidence like Ranveer Singh. These are the people you find yourself spending thirty minutes on the Aqua Line to meet at Subko.
The dating drama reached a new low when a man insisted on paying because he was “old-school,” only to come back a week later asking to split the bill since we weren’t exclusive. Don’t get me wrong; I can pay for myself. I just never realized modern dating meant women should provide princess treatment instead of receiving it.
The Realist-Fantasist Problem
The funniest part of dating at 40 is being both a realist and a fantasist. You’re wise enough to know what works in relationships and can spot red flags faster than before.
At the same time, you secretly hope to meet the Mumbai version of Garrett Graham or Dean Di Laurentis.
Unfortunately, my theory is that these men got taken long ago while the rest of us dated major red flags and called it potential.
Keep Looking, But Keep Living
Here’s what I’ve learned: wanting love isn’t the issue. Desperation is.
If you have spent years creating a life you genuinely enjoy, settling for the wrong person is a huge waste of that effort.
The advice I would give to a 35-year-old friend today, whether she’s single or divorced, is to compartmentalize. You can look for a partner, but that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying your life. Not every coffee date needs to feel like an interview for a soulmate.
Dating at 40 is a bit like Monopoly. You don’t build a house on every spot you land on. Most places are just stopovers where you learn something before moving on. Occasionally, you find a place worth investing in, but if you treat every square like your forever home, you lose the game.
The surprising realization is that dating became far more enjoyable when I stopped viewing every date as an audition for a husband and let go of the “future husband” expectation before I left the house. Not every date has to have a wedding hashtag attached to it. Sometimes, it’s simply about having a nice conversation, trying a new restaurant in Kala Ghoda, walking by the Bandra cliffs, or gaining a perspective you wouldn’t have encountered otherwise.
Maybe that’s the true gift of dating at 40. You can still believe in love, hope for companionship, and feel excited about meeting the right person without treating every date as the one.
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