When Being Alone Stops Feeling Lonely?

Why Do We Find Being Alone So Embarrassing?

There is a difference between being alone and feeling lonely, although it can take us a surprisingly long time to learn it.

In India, being seen alone can feel strangely embarrassing. Sit at a café by yourself and someone will inevitably ask where everyone else is. Go to a restaurant and suddenly asking for a table for one is scary. There is an unspoken need, particularly for women, to make sure people don’t think you’re alone because nobody wants you.

We don’t want to look lonely, friendless, difficult or damaged. So we surround ourselves with people, make plans and keep ourselves busy, sometimes simply because being alone feels like something that needs an explanation.

Age changes that. You become more comfortable in your own skin and considerably less interested in managing what strangers think about your life. The loner tag that might once have felt like an insult can eventually become something you wear with a little pride.

Perhaps We Are Afraid of Our Own Thoughts

I also think we are scared of solitude for another reason: it leaves us alone with ourselves.

We spend an enormous amount of time sweeping our own thoughts and feelings under the rug. We distract ourselves with work, plans, conversations, phones and other people’s lives because stopping can mean facing things we’d rather not face.

Solitude removes some of those distractions. It can make you acknowledge that you’re unhappy, that a relationship isn’t working, that you’ve been avoiding something or simply that you don’t know what you want.

That isn’t always comfortable. But perhaps that is part of growing into yourself. The more willing you are to sit with your own thoughts, the less frightening your own company becomes.

Then You Realise You Actually Like It

I personally love watching movies alone. For all practical purposes, you go to a theatre, watch the movie in almost complete silence and, unless it’s a date, you don’t really need to go anywhere but home afterwards. It’s not something I particularly miss doing with people.

Or sitting at a seaside café with a cold brew and a book that has you completely hooked. Why would you need anything else? Or anyone, for that matter?

There is something lovely about reaching a point where you can make plans for yourself and genuinely enjoy them, rather than treating them as what you do because nobody else was available.

I Still Want Companionship

That doesn’t mean I don’t want companionship. I do. I just want it on my terms.

I would rather have someone who adds value to my life and whose life I add something to than force myself to be with someone who makes me feel lesser simply because I’m scared to be alone.

The more you own your age, your feelings and the person you’ve become, the less you need validation from other people. You realise that you are enough, and that you don’t need another person to make your life feel complete.

Maybe that’s when being alone stops feeling lonely. You don’t stop wanting people. You simply stop being afraid of your own company.

And eventually, you realise that the sanest person for you in the room is sometimes you.