We Fall In Love With Who People Could Become
We’re all guilty of doing this at least once in our lives – we’ve all looked at someone we love and thought that if only they changed this one thing, everything would be different.
If only he was a little less lazy, he could achieve so much. If only he controlled his anger, people would finally see what a good person he is.
I know I definitely have.
My favourite excuse was always that he was misunderstood. He didn’t express himself well. He’d had a difficult life. People judged him before they got to know him. Every flaw came with an explanation and every bad behaviour came with a reason.
In hindsight, I think most of my relationships have involved focusing on who a person could become rather than who they actually were.
The problem with potential is that it makes the future feel more important than the present.
We Are Taught To See Potential
Funny how, as children we are taught to always see the best in people. Somewhere between growing up and preparing for marriage, many of us are taught that compromise is simply part of the deal.
Government jobs, big houses, family businesses and ambitious career plans become the kinds of things we are taught to look for while choosing a partner.
A school friend of mine once met an engineer through the arranged marriage process who was likely to be posted to the US within the next two years. The joy of the possibility of living abroad felt exciting and full of promise. What she failed to notice, however, was that he seemed unusually interested in every female friend she introduced him to. A few years later, he cheated on her with an intern.
What struck me about the whole situation was that she was not just looking at potential, but also in entirely the wrong place.
Potential Doesn’t Change Patterns
I have always been someone who tries to see the good in people. This includes some friends, family, colleagues, bosses and even partners. I’ve made excuses for some of them at some point – bad day, going through something. We all have our moments.
In all fairness, sometimes that’s true. People deserve the grace to have an off day.
The problem is when the off day becomes every day. That’s not potential, it’s a pattern.
Take potty training my puppy for example. I know that, potentially, she can learn to pee outside. If she has an accident once in a while, that’s normal. But if she’s peeing in the same spot every single day, that’s no longer an accident. It’s a pattern.
The difference, of course, is that puppies are cute, innocent and trainable.
I can’t say the same for humans.
Patterns, My Friend, Tell The Truth
The problem is that we spend so much time listening to the words, promises and potential that we miss what is happening right in front of us. When we stop listening to what people say and start paying attention to what they consistently do, people show you who they really are.
The irony is that we apply higher standards to almost everything else in our lives. Food, skincare, haircare with actual results. Friends who show up during our worst moments. Yet somehow, when it comes to some people we care about, we become too willing to ignore evidence.
Take my hair conditioner for example. I bought one that promised softer, healthier hair. I used it and nothing happened. When I complained, the brand told me to give it a few more weeks because damage repair takes time. Potential. A few weeks later my hair was exactly the same, so they suggested a leave-in treatment because the routine was apparently incomplete. More potential. Long story short, I kept buying into the promise of what could happen while my hair kept showing me what was actually happening.
Eventually I went back to my old conditioner because it had already proven itself reliable.
The conclusion I landed on, both in conditioners and in people, is that potential usually leads to disappointment. It might be your hair, your stomach or your heart. The outcome is often the same. The moment you stop looking for potential and start trusting patterns, you start trusting your instincts a lot more too.
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